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“Riddhi just came back from her Boss Manav’s cabin, feeling dejected and frustrated. She had few genuine queries and discomforts about the task assigned to her, but instead of answering to her queries, Manav closed the conversation with just one sentence, ‘Do as you are told to do. I don’t want any more questions.’ Riddhi’s plight was multiplied as she has witnessed Manav handling a similar scenario very empathically a day before with Varun, a coworker from another department, who doesn’t report to Manav directly.
What prompted Manav to behave like this with Riddhi? Why he could not spend few more minutes and ensure that Riddhi’s concerns were addressed? Why had he behaved differently with Varun?”

Have you witnessed this behavior in yourself or in the people around you? Are you also grappling with the above questions?

There are high chances that your answer to these questions will be a, “Yes”. As leaders, we often behave differently with people, who are reporting to us vis-a-vis people who are not. As parents, we behave differently with our kids and kids of our neighbors’ or friends’. The difference here originates from the authority we possess in these relationships.

Our willingness to spend that extra energy on understanding, listening, empathizing, influencing goes down, as we feel there is a shortcut available to give command and get the work done. So, in relationships, where we have access to this authority; we conveniently use it and in relationships, where the authority is not available; we spend time to understand the other person’s perspective to convince them.

Let’s take few more examples to understand this.

In a scenario of team having to come to work on an off day – your approach with a coworker, who doesn’t report to you; shall be to try & understand the specific concerns for their lack of willingness to come on a holiday, you’d persuade to help them understand the criticality of the task and will try to find a way, so that they get to attend to personal work and you get the task done as well.

However more often than not, when your direct subordinate resists citing personal reasons, your persuasion goes very limited and gets overpowered by a final resort as, “Look, you know we don’t have a choice, and you will have to come”.

In a parent child relationship, let’s assume you catch your 15 years old son, smoking. What will be your response? Wouldn’t you be furious? All hell may break loose. You will respond with all possible gyana you have gathered in your life, like, “We could not even imagine doing this in your age. We used to be so obedient. You may get cancer. From where have you picked up this habit, nobody in our family is a smoker. I can’t imagine you are my son” etc. Now just visualize, if you catch your neighbor’s similar aged son, smoking, how would you respond then? The empathy and concern in you would find expression in a very different form. You would show concern by saying different words as, “Oh son, I can understand the urge in your age. It is quite natural for you to feel like having a smoke. I know there is peer pressure to smoke. Don’t worry, but you surely need to come out of it and it’s not very difficult”.

The difference in your approach in both the above cases is coming from the authority you have at your disposal. The absence of authority is actually making you a better leader & influencer. It allows you to listen with an intent to understand, and not with an intent to respond. It allows you to empathize. It allows you look for an alternative way. It allows you to be a real leader.

The no-authority approach at work, builds your credibility as a leader, instill a sense of empowerment in your team, allows them to own the task, makes the workplace more open, gives you an opportunity to change your point of view and above all makes the workplace more productive.

As a parent the no-authority approach teaches your kids the importance of dialogue & logical reasoning, gives them a sense of equality, they learn to respect themselves and others, they learn the most critical lessons of interpersonal relationships.

The damages of frequently using authority as a parent are far reaching. Your kids will learn this behavior too, and whenever they are in the position of power, they will use it to bully other people. Worse, they will be easily bullied by other people, who either possess power or simply showcase that they have it. When the tables turn and you get old, they may use the same methods to deal with you.

The question is, if we have the ability to deal with a situation both ways, then why do we choose the authority mode, when we have access to it. The answer lies in the way our brains function; our brain attempts to make things simpler for us, and it avoids efforts. Hence it pushes us to find the easy way by using authority instead of engaging in a dialogue.

Now the question arises, how do I implement this as my brain will continue to find the easy way?

Well, you will have to trick your brain to do the opposite. Give yourself a target, e.g. “at work, I will not use my authority more than 5 times in a month, at home with my kids, I will not use authority more than twice in a week”. Now every time you use the shortcut of using authority, just keep a count. Your brain also hates to fail in commitments. And by this method, every time you will use authority, your brain will create dissonance and will push you to use the no-authority approach.

The impact of no-authority approach as a leader and as a parent are not limited to what you will achieve today, but it’s something what you are going to give to the coming generations.

Just imagine a society, where meaningful dialogues supersede loud forceful voices.